Long ass distance relationships

Hello from Colombia! Right now I’m in the city of flowers and eternal spring. I don’t want to complain about the heat because I just arrived from IAmF*ckingColdEvenInTheSummer-London, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone was able to fry an egg over the pavement, you get me? Is hot like hell.

Vince has left London as well, and is staying at his parents’ place in Naples for some weeks, until he flies to meet me and stay here for few more months. That’s the plan. I mean, we made plans only because we had to buy those expensive transatlantic flight tickets a little bit in advance, otherwise we wouldn’t have planned anything, because we hate planning. But planning was a good idea also as a warranty that we would see each other again…

When I took my flight I thought to myself ‘Awesome! now I am going to have a lot of time to spend by myself, alone with my family and friends, and we are going to make this relationship stronger by being away and find ourselves’….Bullshit! My long distance relationship has been more like this:

What is like to have a long distance relationship with a hysterical woman:

  • First of all, whenever we were apart for more than five days I was already starting to feel weird and grumpy, like ‘oh you have to compensate me for being your girlfriend’ attitude, which is very similar to the ‘look, I am using the pill, and sacrificing for you’ and other ‘while on my period’ attitudes. Luckily for me, my boyfriend has balls and nerves of steel and has an infinite patience with all my insane requests.
  • As a result of a list serious absurd traumas, I hate talking by phone and video conversations are not very different, so I don’t pick up most of the time and when I do, the calls finish after a minute: ‘Speak later, I have to do a…(hang up phone).
  • These are the reasons why our relationship is at the moment just a funny monkey.

1103654447167903697His name is Banana, and is a Facebook sticker, he is the only one that understands me and can show my partner how I really feel. And I feel like a primate. V says goodnight to me every night and wishes me a great day every morning, my answer is a big blue monkey wearing a Speedo’s or hanging from a tree,because that’s what love is all about for monkeys, isn’t it?

  • The most difficult thing about being away is that we are seven hours away from each other. By the time I wake up in the morning, he already had lunch; and he goes to bed when it’s still day time here, no time for sexy games, no romantic Skype dates, just time for blue monkeys. If you are looking at a bright full moon, I’m probably out with a hat covering from the sun, who would’ve thought that a ROUNDED WORLD would give me such a hard time.
  • If you ever wondered what is like to have a long distance relationship with an Italian man, you just need to check my received files folder to understand it: to have an Italian boyfriend in the distance equals getting tons of pictures of food everyday like pasta, pizza and sea food. Also pictures of him and his friends playing football on the Xbox…. But I can’t really complain, as the pictures that I share with him are full of grannies dancing with me in the Rumba fitness class, and also some videos of birdies singing and sunsets.
  • Having your partner away for long is not so much fun, specially now that I have met my friends and realised that they don’t have more stinky, embarrassing and weird stories than the ones they tell in front of him. Apparently they like him and they tell the crazy weird stories even in his presence.
  • And that flight ticket that he bought to come here, makes me so bloody nervous… Like, what if he misses the flight? Would we ever see each other again? V has missed flights several times! Or what if he decides to fly to Barbados instead? We are so far away… But deep down inside, I am sure he will come. BECAUSE I KIDNAPPED THE WII U 😉

Life with an Italian


One thought on “Long ass distance relationships

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